I never thought that time would heal all wounds. It probably would have been better in the long run if Geoff would have just killed me. But I have no one to blame but myself.

I should have stopped trying to be perfect. I should have stopped trying to make everyone else happy instead of worrying about what made me happy. I should have done what everyone else in the world does, and only cared about myself.

I’d rather just go back to being a drugged up bitch. What’s the point of bettering yourself, if it doesn’t matter anyway? What’s the point of making everyone else happy, if no one is looking out for you? What’s the point in living life for someone else?

I’m done with the lupus medications. If it comes back, then it comes back. I’m not treating it again. I’m not going to continue pushing myself to be the person that everyone turns to. I’m not going to keep pushing myself to care about guarding my speech, or censoring myself, simply because I might offend someone. I’m done. I’m tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else, when being perfect won’t change anything.

The Faerie Oracle – Faery Guide – spirit – this is my own personal Faery guide… Amazing how I pull this one on my first time, even after randomly shuffling the cards for a really long time.

The Heart of Faerie Oracle – the Prince of Light – new beginnings / peacemaker / potential – the Prince of Light comes into your life like a blessing. He is the bringer of new beginnings, indicated by the egg he holds before him, which is the symbol of potential. He soothes, calms, and leads you into the light. The peacemaker, he is always ready to still the troubled waters of a relationship. He is wise. If he appears in a reading, listen to what he has to tell you. I you recognize a friend or partner in the Prince of Light, cherish that person and honor the goodness that he can bring to a relationship. If you draw this card with the Queen of the Day, you will be surrounded by grace and light. Bring that light to your own relationships and see them blossom under the benevolent gaze of these two powerful beings.

GaiaStar Codex – Emerge – peaceful, penetrating, wisdom-laden. Emerge equips you to make the leap. It is both summary and absolutely open-ended. Use it whenyou are ready to take off. The strong tribal energy in the manzanita background anchors and potentiates the many crystalline beings who leap out from the inside diamond. Laser-light playing on the surface of the stones speaks of the alchemical wedding of technology and geology that catalyzes our emerging planet. Ride the emerge current out of the crystal cave into the light of complete appearance. You are a shining avatar of the heralded world. It’s time to let yourself be seen.

Animal messages – cheetah – a decision once made will be followed by unwavering action.
Cheetah stalks silently with cat wisdom but pursues her quarry, fleet gazelle, with the power of sight-hound magic. What other creature partakes of two natures? Look within to discover the plurality of talents and ways of being, for cheetah is offering you the chance to be exceptional too. If cheetah, fastest living mammal, has run into your cards, this is not a time for hesitation: decision followed by unwavering action is now essential. Like cheetah, grasp what life has to offer.

Wolf song cards – coyote – deception, things not as they seem

LiveLaughL0ve211: give nicoll some butter for that afce
LiveLaughL0ve211: butterface
LiveLaughL0ve211: face
gaultier doll: that was stupid
LiveLaughL0ve211: and soem wax for ehr unibrow and mustache
gaultier doll: in what sense?
LiveLaughL0ve211: she needs to wax that shit
gaultier doll: mmhuh… i need to wax things that aren’t there
LiveLaughL0ve211: u do have a mustache and unibrow
LiveLaughL0ve211: its disgusting
gaultier doll: really? then why is it that no one else seems to see it?
LiveLaughL0ve211: lmao
LiveLaughL0ve211: so retarded
LiveLaughL0ve211: because people dont wanna hurt ur feelings
LiveLaughL0ve211: butterrface
gaultier doll: yes… that makes so much more sense
LiveLaughL0ve211: ur sn should be butterfacedoll
gaultier doll: i have photographers wanting to shoot with me, but they’re afraid to hurt my feelings
LiveLaughL0ve211: phototgraphers are lying to you
gaultier doll: mmhuh, everyone seems to be lying except you
gaultier doll: it’s all a big conspiracy
gaultier doll: everyone is out to get you rachel
LiveLaughL0ve211: i see they dont conantrate on ur face much
LiveLaughL0ve211: i dont really give a damn
gaultier doll: if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be making up lies about another female’s looks
LiveLaughL0ve211: unliek your sorry ass i dont have to come on aol because theyre the only friends u ahve i have real ones off aol
LiveLaughL0ve211: thats what makes me better than you
gaultier doll: uh… yeah, i guess i not only fake my life, but i fake pictures of my friends too
LiveLaughL0ve211: im better looking, have a real job, a boyfriend thats faithful,real friends
LiveLaughL0ve211: u got nothing
gaultier doll: if that’s what you need to tell yourself
LiveLaughL0ve211: its the truth..truth hurts huh
gaultier doll: nope, because i’m not oblivious to reality
LiveLaughL0ve211: but anywyas im done arguing with this pos psycho butterface im going to bed.
gaultier doll: i’m quite content in my life
LiveLaughL0ve211: ciao

Yeah… I’m sure that “lawyer” of yours is getting lots of great reasons to file a slander suit on me…

LiveLaughL0ve211: NICOLL KEEP ON FKING WITH ME
LiveLaughL0ve211: I WILL SUE U
LiveLaughL0ve211: IF U PSOT ONE MORE BLOG ABOUT ME
LiveLaughL0ve211: ITS CALLED SLANDER
gaultier doll: no…
gaultier doll: it’s called libel
gaultier doll: and unfortunately libel has to be untrue
gaultier doll: posting things you say isn’t libel
gaultier doll: unless you’re admitting that you’re lying
LiveLaughL0ve211: LOL U HAVE NO PROOF THAT I AHVE LIED U
LiveLaughL0ve211: GOOD I WILL TAKE THAT TO MY LAWYER
gaultier doll: i don’t need proof that you’re lying… you filing a suit would mean the burden of proof was on you
LiveLaughL0ve211: NICOLL YOU’RE SERIOUSLY A LOONEY
LiveLaughL0ve211: U DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME
gaultier doll: i know that you’re lying about suing people for slander
gaultier doll: especially if you claim that your lawyer is advising you to do so
LiveLaughL0ve211: U LIE ALL THE TIME
LiveLaughL0ve211: POST ONE MORE THING ABOUT ME ON THAT BLOG AND I WILL
gaultier doll: I’m already working on the post
LiveLaughL0ve211: IT WILL GO TO MY LAWYER
gaultier doll: ok good
LiveLaughL0ve211: THAT SITE WILL BE SHUTDOWN
gaultier doll: no… it won’t be
LiveLaughL0ve211: YES IT WILL
LiveLaughL0ve211: WATCH AND SEE
gaultier doll: want to place bets on it?
LiveLaughL0ve211: UR SITE WILL BE GONE
gaultier doll: how long do i need to wait to prove you wrong?
LiveLaughL0ve211: KEEP ON NICOLL
LiveLaughL0ve211: POST ONE MORE LIE ABOUT EM ON THAT BLOG I WILL REPORT U AND UR SITE WILL BE BANNED
LiveLaughL0ve211: THATS A PROMISE
gaultier doll: well… seeing as how i’ve never posted a lie about you
LiveLaughL0ve211: UM YES U DID
LiveLaughL0ve211: AND ABOUT KARLA
LiveLaughL0ve211: YOU’;RE NUTS

gaultier doll: LiveLaughL0ve211: i got my boyfriend a sexy pic of me modeling for christmas he loved it
LiveLaughL0ve211: lmao u wrote that urself nice try
gaultier doll: no… i didn’t
LiveLaughL0ve211: yes u did
gaultier doll: that’s copy and pasted straight from you
LiveLaughL0ve211: ur not foolign anyone nicoll
LiveLaughL0ve211: i never said that
=gaultier doll: i don’t need to… you can’t even remember your lies
LiveLaughL0ve211: another lie

LiveLaughL0ve211: keep it up nicoll u will get a call from my lawyer
LiveLaughL0ve211: you’re harrassing me
gaultier doll: make sure he emails me to get my number
LiveLaughL0ve211: i have ur number
LiveLaughL0ve211: bithc
LiveLaughL0ve211: bitch
gaultier doll: really?
gaultier doll: post just the area code
LiveLaughL0ve211: yep
gaultier doll: come on
LiveLaughL0ve211: nicoll seek some help u are mental
gaultier doll: why can’t you post the area code rachel?
LiveLaughL0ve211: shes psycho
gaultier doll: you claim to have my number

She’s not doing so well at remembering her lies tonight.

Wolf Song – Sparrow Hawk – Farseeing, Able to see the entire picture

Animal Messages – Badger – Abandon compromise and fight valiantly for what you believe in.
“Bold badger, her distinctive stripes a badge of courage, fears none. Throw trepidation and fear aside. Like badger, abandon compromise and and the dissembling that leads to defeat. Take a firm unwavering stand and speak your mind, regardless of others’ opinions. Fight valiantly, openly, and aggressively for what you believe in or risk losing it forever. Remember, however, that play is important too. As a cub it honed badger’s awesome skills, as an adult it assures her continued prowess, as it will yours.”

GaiaStar Codex – Ecstasy – Feel the vibes of this turned-on world. What’s the mood? It’s Ecstasy. Study the rainbow-hued splendor of this card. What do it’s petal people say? Everything is alive and connected and full of paradisiacal joy of the GaiaStar. Ecstasy is the flower power that intoxicates. Roses, marigolds, pansies – these are the Earth’s mood-enhancers, the fragrant, vibrant elixirs she offers freely. Be transported by their rapturous essences and swoon in their full-spectrum beauty.

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Pan – Joyous Flight / Courage / The Big Thing -
“An awfully big adventure, that’s how the Pan sees life and death. He flies joyously on to whatever comes next, knowing that it’s all a part of the journey. It takes courage to be adventurous. It takes courage to trust that you can deal with whatever comes next. When things seem daunting, when the future looks terribly uncertain, borrow bravery from Pan. Remember his joyous flight and let yourself take that first step toward whatever awaits you. After all, it’s an awfully big adventure.”

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Temptation – Enticement / Wise Choices / Safety – Temptation and Faerie go hand in hand. The lure of Faerie can be more tempting than anything else you will encounter. Resisting the Temptation may be more than you can bear. If you enter Faerie, do you eat the food? Do you follow the beautiful stranger? Do you trade your first-born child for wealth, love, or fame? How do you know when it is safe to give into temptation? Who to trust? Who to believe? Maybe no one, and yet, if you have been looking and listening and are aware of who and what you are meeting, you may be able to make the right choices. Stop and ask your heart what “feels” right. When the Temptation turns up, look closely at it. Ask yourself what is tempting you at the moment that may not be a wise choice. Is it a relationship that you just just know is wrong but you want it anyway? What are you willing to lose if you give in to this particular temptation?

Wolf Song – Turkey – Fortuitous happiness, improvement in fortune

GaiaStar Codex – Splendor – when your own circuits are lit, you can’t miss the brilliance of the world. Everything and everyone glows with inborn Splendor. The golden essence of all matter is liberated, and its deep glory shines.

Animal Messages – Tortoise – When changes are made for the sake of change itself, resist.

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Blessing – blessings of the day / journey / beginnings
GaiaStar Codex – Ur Solis – clarity
Wolf Song – White Tail Deer – Devotion, Personal sacrifice, Doing something for another’s sake
Animal Messages – Hare – Discernment before a passionate encounter leads to the magic of love.

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Green Woman – Subtlety / Beauty / Fruition
Wolf Song – Spirit
GaiaStar Codex – Captain Wonder – Transdimensionality
Animal Messages – Bat – you have the power to transcend failure and move into a limitless future.

Gaia Star Codex – ReMix – Reality is a rich song of countless melodies and rhythms. Yet there is no gran musical score written in stone. Every note, every beat, every chorus and verse can be reordered and changed when you become a DJ of co-creation. You have the power of the ReMix. the universal source sounds can be spun into an infinite number of tunes. Don’t just sit on the couch and nod along with the beat. Grab the turntable and mix it up. Let’s hear the reality-songs that only you can conjure.

Wolf Song Cards – Arctic Fox – Resistance to change. Obstacles, hesitation or re-evaluation which must be made. The final analysis before the decision is made.

Animal Messages Cards – Whale – Through music you reclaim life’s magic and grow strong in body and soul.
“Whale, sublime denizen of the deep oceans, communicates in complex song and serenades his love from afar, telling her of his prowess, experience, and wisdom. We rarely now use our voices except in mundane speech. The cry of triumph, the sog of joy, the mystic’s chant, and the scream that releases tension all die before they find utterance. Yet rhythm, vibration, and frequency say much and heal both body and soul. Reclaim your voice and, like Whale, grow strong and light as his magic transforms your mind.”

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Maiden – First Love / Wonder / Endless Possibilities
Always in that magic state, between girlhood and womanhood, the Maiden lives in the place where everything is possible. Love and romance are her lifeblood, and where she walks in Faerie romance blossoms and love flowers in her wake. The honey sweetness of first love is always on her breath.
No matter what our age or sex, we must honor the Maiden and acknowlege her in our lives and relationships. It is important to rememer how we felt when we first became aware of romantic love, whether through our own experiences or through books or films, whatever portrayed that first awakening for us.
We become jaded with time and experience. We lock out young emotions away and forget about them. It is important to remember those emotions every once in a while. They will not always be happy memories. First love can be very painful but even the pain of a first love is very different from what we feel as more experienced travellers in the realms of romance.
When the Maiden appears, take the time to remember how you felt when you first fell in love. You can’t go back, but you can remember and take some of that wonder and sense of endless possibility with you on your continuing journey.

Gaia Star Codex – Novelty – Novelty is the power of the new, the face of the future gazing at you now. The present is not just an extension of the past; it is also created by the future. Time flows in two directions. When you decode it’s visual text, its Novelty liberates you from the past and births you into the next world.

Wolf Song Cards – Rabbit – sensitivity, organization

Animal Messages – Bear – Nurture creativity and return to the sweetness of life –
“Bear prepares for the birth of her cubs by building up reserves of nourishing fat, but unless conditions are perfect she will not give birth to her fleshly creations – for Bear knows that timing and preparations are all. Deliberate carefully before bringing anything into being and nurture your creativity by withdrawal, whether in meditation or retreat. When you return to the material world your ideas will bear fleshy ripe fruits, and you will again discover the sweetness that life offers you.

Heart of Faerie Oracle – Prick Up Your Ears – Look at this lovely long-eared faerie, she’s literally all ears! It is very easy to listen without really hearing and to hear without really understanding. Often things are said that are perceived as hurtful or critical, when perhaps listening more carefully or in a different way would have informed you that wasn’t the intention at all. Rabbits and hares have very sensitive hearing. They jump and start at any unfamiliar noise, running for safety before they see what made the noise in the first place. They literally jump to conclusions before getting the full picture. Now in a rabbit’s case, this is probably wise, since hanging around can often lead to a very short life, but as a human, it is important to take the time to really prick up your ears and listen to what is being said, and not only to what is being said, but to what it actually means. You may be surprised at how often a meaning is quite different from what you first supposed.