As of today, I am no longer taking my medication. My doctors can yell and scream all they want about it… I’m tired of the constant medication. I’m tired of the way the medications make me feel. I don’t want to “maintain” the current level of health… If I’m not getting better, why maintain this? So… I’m done. If I get sick, I get sick. I’ve made my choice.

I have two photoshoots coming up. One on January 28th (I think), and one in February… both are pinup shoots. Should be fun… but I think I’m going to start winding down on my modeling. It was fun while it lasted, but I’m just not all that into it anymore.

I got a new piercing and tattoo over the weekend as well.

The bruising is healing pretty quickly… I didn’t realize just how easily I bruised until I got the tattoo. Oh well, it’s healing well, and I love it.

I also got my monroe (lip) pierced the same day… I’ve had it done before, but took it out a long time ago. I love love love it… it’s so different. Hopefully it’ll heal quickly as well.

I’ve been doing a lot of needlepoint to keep myself occupied at work when we’re slow. I also bought some new beads, so I’ll start making jewelry again as well. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up making some one off pieces to sell.

I’ve been writing a lot privately, because too many people decided to steal things. C’est la vie.

I started my new job… love it. I love the people I work with too. They’re nuts… the things that randomly get said around here rock. We even have dance parties… don’t ask. I’m sure the video will be posted at some point lol.

I’m working on my Go Go costume for Quarantined 4: Outbreak Imminent … It’s going to be fucking amazing. My leg furries are going to be the most unique furries ever.

<3 Rackspace… seriously, this place is awesome.

I’m excited too… I have a photoshoot booked for November. It’s going to be a fantastically creative photoshoot as well. I can’t wait!

Happy belated fathers day to all the dads!!!

I’m back to working far far far too much. I really am a workaholic. In the last 7 days, I’ve worked 85 hours… It’s amazing, I love my job… But I’ll never get used to being the only competent female in the data center.

This past week, the other female technician didn’t realize that you could have multiple Linux kernels in grub. Ok, to be honest… She actually asked what grub was… But…

She also replaced the RAM in a server… She used ECC when she needed ECC Reg, and tried saying it was the same thing. /facepalm

The good thing is that she makes me look fantastic without me trying. I’m studying for my RHCE, and apparently that makes me a goddess for even knowing what that is.

In other news… I’ve realized that I have people around me that care far more about my appearance than I do. I’ll be 28 this year… I’ve lived my entire life being content with not being a horribly disfigured troll. I never put a huge emphasis on my looks… Because honestly, I wasn’t comfortable enough to let my looks pay the bills. It’s just strange that so many other people seem to be concerned with mine. I’m used to the idiot trolls online that will rip a girl apart for any little flaw… I survived years on IRC What I don’t get though is the people that take the time out to come to my blog, dig through my pictures, and leave comments on every one or the pictures and blog posts, alternating between telling me I’m ugly, fat, anorexic, or I have a big head. Apparently I have a mustache, unibrow and I’m manly looking as well… I’ll really never get it lol. I guess I could understand if I was openly saying I was hot, or if I held some sort of conceited view about myself… But meh, not really. I’m me. I think I’m relatively small, I’m in decent shape, and I’m not an ogre. Some people find me attractive, some don’t. Some people seem to think that I’m fat, some people seem to think I’m too skinny. The funniest part is that I really don’t care because I have a husband that thinks I’m beautiful, and I never thought I was all that pretty to begin with. You’d think that being that blunt about it would give people pause… But no, it doesn’t… They seem to think that the most important thing for me is to be that hottest girl ever, because I apparently need someone to sleep with. Or… Something. I dunno… Apparently every female that has a picture online is a whore looking for sex… Forget the fact that the majority of companies post employee directories now… Logic doesn’t work on the Internet

Aaaaaaannnnndd last… I’m no longer in remission 。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・。
It sucks, but I knew there was a pretty good chance of this happening. I’m back on a low dose of immunosuppressants, they are trying me on a new form of cellcept that is supposed to be more mild on my stomach. Its definitely more mild on my stomach… But that’s mainly because anytime I eat, I get heartburn so bad I stop eating. I have another doctors appointment soon, so they’ll probably try me on something else. Boo. Oh well.

<3′s

I never thought that time would heal all wounds. It probably would have been better in the long run if Geoff would have just killed me. But I have no one to blame but myself.

I should have stopped trying to be perfect. I should have stopped trying to make everyone else happy instead of worrying about what made me happy. I should have done what everyone else in the world does, and only cared about myself.

I’d rather just go back to being a drugged up bitch. What’s the point of bettering yourself, if it doesn’t matter anyway? What’s the point of making everyone else happy, if no one is looking out for you? What’s the point in living life for someone else?

I’m done with the lupus medications. If it comes back, then it comes back. I’m not treating it again. I’m not going to continue pushing myself to be the person that everyone turns to. I’m not going to keep pushing myself to care about guarding my speech, or censoring myself, simply because I might offend someone. I’m done. I’m tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else, when being perfect won’t change anything.

The Faerie Oracle – Faery Guide – spirit – this is my own personal Faery guide… Amazing how I pull this one on my first time, even after randomly shuffling the cards for a really long time.

The Heart of Faerie Oracle – the Prince of Light – new beginnings / peacemaker / potential – the Prince of Light comes into your life like a blessing. He is the bringer of new beginnings, indicated by the egg he holds before him, which is the symbol of potential. He soothes, calms, and leads you into the light. The peacemaker, he is always ready to still the troubled waters of a relationship. He is wise. If he appears in a reading, listen to what he has to tell you. I you recognize a friend or partner in the Prince of Light, cherish that person and honor the goodness that he can bring to a relationship. If you draw this card with the Queen of the Day, you will be surrounded by grace and light. Bring that light to your own relationships and see them blossom under the benevolent gaze of these two powerful beings.

GaiaStar Codex – Emerge – peaceful, penetrating, wisdom-laden. Emerge equips you to make the leap. It is both summary and absolutely open-ended. Use it whenyou are ready to take off. The strong tribal energy in the manzanita background anchors and potentiates the many crystalline beings who leap out from the inside diamond. Laser-light playing on the surface of the stones speaks of the alchemical wedding of technology and geology that catalyzes our emerging planet. Ride the emerge current out of the crystal cave into the light of complete appearance. You are a shining avatar of the heralded world. It’s time to let yourself be seen.

Animal messages – cheetah – a decision once made will be followed by unwavering action.
Cheetah stalks silently with cat wisdom but pursues her quarry, fleet gazelle, with the power of sight-hound magic. What other creature partakes of two natures? Look within to discover the plurality of talents and ways of being, for cheetah is offering you the chance to be exceptional too. If cheetah, fastest living mammal, has run into your cards, this is not a time for hesitation: decision followed by unwavering action is now essential. Like cheetah, grasp what life has to offer.

Wolf song cards – coyote – deception, things not as they seem

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Temptation – Enticement / Wise Choices / Safety – Temptation and Faerie go hand in hand. The lure of Faerie can be more tempting than anything else you will encounter. Resisting the Temptation may be more than you can bear. If you enter Faerie, do you eat the food? Do you follow the beautiful stranger? Do you trade your first-born child for wealth, love, or fame? How do you know when it is safe to give into temptation? Who to trust? Who to believe? Maybe no one, and yet, if you have been looking and listening and are aware of who and what you are meeting, you may be able to make the right choices. Stop and ask your heart what “feels” right. When the Temptation turns up, look closely at it. Ask yourself what is tempting you at the moment that may not be a wise choice. Is it a relationship that you just just know is wrong but you want it anyway? What are you willing to lose if you give in to this particular temptation?

Wolf Song – Turkey – Fortuitous happiness, improvement in fortune

GaiaStar Codex – Splendor – when your own circuits are lit, you can’t miss the brilliance of the world. Everything and everyone glows with inborn Splendor. The golden essence of all matter is liberated, and its deep glory shines.

Animal Messages – Tortoise – When changes are made for the sake of change itself, resist.

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Blessing – blessings of the day / journey / beginnings
GaiaStar Codex – Ur Solis – clarity
Wolf Song – White Tail Deer – Devotion, Personal sacrifice, Doing something for another’s sake
Animal Messages – Hare – Discernment before a passionate encounter leads to the magic of love.

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Green Woman – Subtlety / Beauty / Fruition
Wolf Song – Spirit
GaiaStar Codex – Captain Wonder – Transdimensionality
Animal Messages – Bat – you have the power to transcend failure and move into a limitless future.

Gaia Star Codex – ReMix – Reality is a rich song of countless melodies and rhythms. Yet there is no gran musical score written in stone. Every note, every beat, every chorus and verse can be reordered and changed when you become a DJ of co-creation. You have the power of the ReMix. the universal source sounds can be spun into an infinite number of tunes. Don’t just sit on the couch and nod along with the beat. Grab the turntable and mix it up. Let’s hear the reality-songs that only you can conjure.

Wolf Song Cards – Arctic Fox – Resistance to change. Obstacles, hesitation or re-evaluation which must be made. The final analysis before the decision is made.

Animal Messages Cards – Whale – Through music you reclaim life’s magic and grow strong in body and soul.
“Whale, sublime denizen of the deep oceans, communicates in complex song and serenades his love from afar, telling her of his prowess, experience, and wisdom. We rarely now use our voices except in mundane speech. The cry of triumph, the sog of joy, the mystic’s chant, and the scream that releases tension all die before they find utterance. Yet rhythm, vibration, and frequency say much and heal both body and soul. Reclaim your voice and, like Whale, grow strong and light as his magic transforms your mind.”

Heart of Faerie Oracle – The Maiden – First Love / Wonder / Endless Possibilities
Always in that magic state, between girlhood and womanhood, the Maiden lives in the place where everything is possible. Love and romance are her lifeblood, and where she walks in Faerie romance blossoms and love flowers in her wake. The honey sweetness of first love is always on her breath.
No matter what our age or sex, we must honor the Maiden and acknowlege her in our lives and relationships. It is important to rememer how we felt when we first became aware of romantic love, whether through our own experiences or through books or films, whatever portrayed that first awakening for us.
We become jaded with time and experience. We lock out young emotions away and forget about them. It is important to remember those emotions every once in a while. They will not always be happy memories. First love can be very painful but even the pain of a first love is very different from what we feel as more experienced travellers in the realms of romance.
When the Maiden appears, take the time to remember how you felt when you first fell in love. You can’t go back, but you can remember and take some of that wonder and sense of endless possibility with you on your continuing journey.

Gaia Star Codex – Novelty – Novelty is the power of the new, the face of the future gazing at you now. The present is not just an extension of the past; it is also created by the future. Time flows in two directions. When you decode it’s visual text, its Novelty liberates you from the past and births you into the next world.

Wolf Song Cards – Rabbit – sensitivity, organization

Animal Messages – Bear – Nurture creativity and return to the sweetness of life –
“Bear prepares for the birth of her cubs by building up reserves of nourishing fat, but unless conditions are perfect she will not give birth to her fleshly creations – for Bear knows that timing and preparations are all. Deliberate carefully before bringing anything into being and nurture your creativity by withdrawal, whether in meditation or retreat. When you return to the material world your ideas will bear fleshy ripe fruits, and you will again discover the sweetness that life offers you.

Heart of Faerie Oracle – Prick Up Your Ears – Look at this lovely long-eared faerie, she’s literally all ears! It is very easy to listen without really hearing and to hear without really understanding. Often things are said that are perceived as hurtful or critical, when perhaps listening more carefully or in a different way would have informed you that wasn’t the intention at all. Rabbits and hares have very sensitive hearing. They jump and start at any unfamiliar noise, running for safety before they see what made the noise in the first place. They literally jump to conclusions before getting the full picture. Now in a rabbit’s case, this is probably wise, since hanging around can often lead to a very short life, but as a human, it is important to take the time to really prick up your ears and listen to what is being said, and not only to what is being said, but to what it actually means. You may be surprised at how often a meaning is quite different from what you first supposed.